In that silence

My heart has been heavy today. Actually, it's been heavy the past several days. I've been crying out to God not knowing what to do, but then this evening, I just sat there. After I finished reading His Word and was reminded that He created the world and it can never be moved by anyone but Him, I just sat in silence. It was in that silence that I felt His peace flooding my soul. It was in that silence that I was reminded of His love and began to sing,

Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness, stretches to the skies
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains
Your justice flows like the ocean's tide
And I will lift my voice to worship You, my King
And I will my strength in the shadow of Your wings
Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens...

Breaking the rules...

Last night I broke my own rule. I still can't believe I did it. It was something that I held to so tightly. It was something that I actually prided myself on. Maybe it's a good thing...I shouldn't have prided myself in it in the first place.

I'm still quite shocked and don't know if I can type it...I asked people to be my friend on facebook.

Happiness is...

...finding your missing pager in the middle of the ER.

Becoming...

Somewhere between walking into Gross Anatomy for the first time and eventually walking across the stage as you're granted a Doctorate in Medicine, it hits you...and you realize that you are, in fact, becoming a doctor. You find yourself talking with interns, residents, and attendings as though they are colleagues. You begin to start conversations with "the literature says" or "according to a recent study." You realize you are so very far from knowing it all, and yet, you also know that you will continue to push yourself to determine what is best for your patients. You turn from seeing your patients as a diagnosis to seeing them as individuals...people with families...people with jobs...people who do so much more than just lie in the hospital bed in front of you. Becoming a doctor is a process, and I thank God for the opportunity to go through this process.

I wish I was asleep...

About an hour and a half ago, Miss Kitty jumped on my desk and proceeded to knock down several items while she was up there. I woke in panic mode and have been unable to get back to sleep. Tomorrow...or rather today could be a very long day.

Just a reminder

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting...Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower and thank God for it. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

My Words

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. - Ephesians 4:29

Holding my tongue can be difficult. So often I find myself saying things that later I wish I hadn't said. There are times when I am sarcastic or facetious or I let the zingers fly when what I should have done is said nothing.

How long will it take us to tame our tongues, to realize that words hurt, and truly know that God's plan is for us to edify one another and spur one another on towards a closer relationship with Him?

A Time for Everything

You would think I would be some what used to it by now, but I'm not. I don't know that you can ever actually get used to death. I know it's inevitable. One hundred percent of people will die...it's just the timing and the circumstances that bother me.

The end of last week when I arrived at work, I was greeted with the news that Mr. Johnson* had passed away. This wasn't really a surprise. He had been suffering from a terminal illness and had signed do not resuscitate orders, but still, it hurt. Today, it happened again...Mr. Smith* passed away. Somehow, I never quite get used to it. I still feel pain with the passing of a patient, and I pray that they know the Father.

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
A time to die.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-2a

* Names have been changed.

Perfect Body

Over the weekend, one of my friends told me that I had a perfect body. Honestly, I don't remember if I even said, "Thank you." The comment caught me off guard.

I've never thought of my body as perfect. For years, I saw my body as much bigger than it actually was. I prayed night after night to wake up 10 or 20 or 30 pounds lighter. But I'm coming to realize that I do have the perfect body. Yes, I still have bumps and wrinkles and sagginess in places I don't particularly care to...I wish I was more toned...but God made my body. He gave me two legs that work perfectly whether I'm walking into a patient's room, running in a marathon, or strolling down the beach. He gave me two arms to wrap around people to show them His love. He gave me two able hands to carry out His work. He gave me a brain so that I could learn and ultimately glorify Him.

My friend is right. I do have a perfect body, but it's not because of what it looks like. I have the perfect body because it was made by God, and He is perfect.

I wish I had unlimited income...

If I had unlimited income, I would never again have to tell a patient, "I'm sorry but your insurance doesn't cover that treatment," or "I'm sorry but you don't qualify for a transplant (or chemo or a certain clinic) because there's no funding."

If I had unlimited income, I would build a hospital where treatments are free...where regardless of your income or insurance you would be treated to the best of our abilities.

If you're wondering, yes, I'm an idealist...it's not going to happen, but my heart goes out to patients when we have to tell them that they don't qualify for treatments or therapy because of a lack of money.

Beautiful

A man came up to me today and said, "I just wanted to let you know that you are stunningly beautiful."

I looked at him and then looked at the floor as I mumbled, "Thank you."

And then he put his hand on my arm (which freaked me out at first), and I looked him directly in the eye, and he said, "Believe me. You are stunningly beautiful."

And that was about it. The man left.

Life imitating...work.

For the past five and a half weeks, I've been on my psychiatry rotation. I've dealt with patients with a myriad of diagnoses. Some live with their families or on their own. Some live in nursing homes or group homes. Some did live with their families or on their own will have to move into a nursing or group home upon discharge. That's always hard to take. It means that the families of these people can no longer care for them. It's a difficult decision but one that sometimes has to be made.

As I've been dealing with this regarding my patients at work, I've also been dealing with this in my family. My grandmother has some form of dementia. We don't know what it is...she refuses to let them do any "tests." Her health is failing, too...to the point that my grandfather took her to the emergency room this last week and she was put in the hospital for several days. Unfortunately, my grandmother became very agitated at the thought of going to the big University Medical Center and convinced my grandfather to take her to the smaller local hospital. They still don't know what's wrong. My grandmother knows my name when I call, but if I call her in the morning and again in the evening, by the evening, often she has completely forgotten the morning phone call. She is confused and emotionally labile much of the time. My grandfather is at a loss of what to do.

I have an aunt with a mental illness who regularly goes off of her medication. She stopped again a couple of weeks ago and disappeared for a few days causing us to file a missing persons report with the police. She has reached the point where she can no longer live alone. For the past several years, she's lived in a retirement/assisted living community. That's really no longer feasible. She needs someone to administer her medications to her twice a day...every day. How do you tell an adult that they essentially need a babysitter?

My uncle with frontotemporal dementia had to take early retirement. He and my aunt just sold their dream house to move into an apartment because he can't function like he used to. He no longer drives and just doesn't have the ability to perform many of the activities he used to love.

So live is imitating work right now...I don't like it, but I know God has it in His hands and even though I don't always feel like He hears my prayers...I know He does.

Journey to Nineveh

Has God ever prompted you to do something you didn't want to do...something that was not in your original plan and yet you can't seem to get away from it?

Yeah...sometimes God sends me to Nineveh, too.

God provides.

When I moved out of my old apartment, I had to leave my beloved hibiscus plants behind. I had three of them in various colors, and I so much enjoyed watching them bloom and taking care of them. Unfortunately, since they were on my roof top terrace and weighed over 150 pounds each with the soil and pots, they had to be left behind. I moved into a smaller apartment. I still have plants but not as many and only on my front porch, which doesn't have room to accommodate a hibiscus.

But God provides. Outside my bedroom window is a beautiful hibiscus! The apartment complex planted it. Every morning when I wake up, all I have to do is gaze out the window to be reminded that God provides...in all things He provides.

I'm scared...

I rarely get scared. Anxious...yes...but not scared. I lived in the ghetto in Dallas...the ghetto! Seriously, my neighbors told me not to go out at night and if I had to for any reason to make sure that one of them escorted me to and from my car.

But this is different.

Evidently some girl gave out my phone number instead of hers...and now this random guy keeps calling me. I've tried answering and telling him that I am not the person he's looking for. I've tried letting it go to voicemail...which I then realized was a mistake because I say, "It's a beautiful day in Galveston." He's called multiple times, and honestly, I'd really like him to stop. I have no interest in talking with him or meeting him.

Needless to say, I will be locking my door tonight using all three locks.

Today I felt like a doctor.

It doesn't happen very often. In fact, I can probably count the number of times it's happened on one hand, but today...I felt like a doctor.

Exciting!

The Baylor men's basketball team hasn't made an appearance in the NCAA tournament since 1988...until now!

Go Bears!

Truth from one of my faculty

It's hard to walk south when God's pointing your feet north.

Benefits of the short white coat

1. It keeps me warm. As a person who tends to become chilled easily, I appreciate the added layer of warmth.

2. It protects my clothes. My white coat, which can easily be bleached, has taken many hits and successfully saved my clothing. It's held up to several cups of coffee, sodas, condiments, and sauces like a champ.

3. There are many pockets. Pockets are great. They hold stuff. However, putting an overabundance of items in my pants pockets leaves me looking...well, less than attractive. Fortunately, I am saved by the pockets in white coat. My pockets hold things like my cell phone, wallet, pens, pencils, highlighters, trauma shears, notepads, BMI wheel, pregnancy wheel, tuning fork, reflex hammer, pen light, several books, extra paperwork, and sometimes my pager. Wow! No wonder it's so heavy.

and 4. The length tells people my status. They know when they see my short white coat that I am still a student. It's quite helpful. They don't ask me questions that they know I can't answer or expect me to be able to write orders.

In just 16 short months, I'll have to trade in my short white coat for a long one...with fewer pockets...what will I do?

Little annoyances...

Does anyone else get annoyed by the amount of junk mail that doesn't get filtered by the various email servers?

No CV needed

I've been working on my CV (curriculum vitae). It's similar to a resume except more focused on education, leadership, research, and community service. Anyway, as I've been typing it, I've realized that I'm racking my brain trying to think of every little thing of done...every time I've lead an organization or group or I've helped someone. I feel like I'm having to prove that I'm good enough on paper...and then it hit me. Yes, for school...for work...I have to be "good enough" on paper, but isn't wonderful that for God...I will never be "good enough"...He saved me by His grace alone.

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Not by works, lest any man should boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

FYI

There is nothing more attractive than hearing a godly man pray or seeing him play with children.

It's all about love.

I spent the morning working in the OB clinic for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. As I met each patient, listened to her story, and completed the exam, the same thought ran through my head, "These women need love." I only hope that I was able to demonstrate some amount of love to them during my short time with each one.

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal, And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing...And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3, 13

Happy Valentine's Day!

We will...we will...rock you!

1 9-volt battery = $2
CD-radio alarm clock = $40
1 month's electricity = $50
Waking up to Queen = PRICELESS


Go ahead and sing your favorite Queen song. You know you want to.

Small Indulgences

Okay...so I'll admit it...I like Big Red, and every now and then, I just have to have one. Maybe it goes back to my childhood or my years at Baylor, but I just love that bubble gummy taste.

Small Changes

Earlier this week, I made a small change in my life. Really, it's nothing big. It doesn't take me any time, and it doesn't cost or save me any money. However, it's made a huge impact on my outlook. It's changed my daily focus, and I feel like God is closer.

Is God asking you to make a small change in order to draw you closer to Him?

Trying something new...

I'm stubborn.

I'm stubborn, and I usually fight God on His path for my life. But I'm going to try something new. I feel God leading me down a road, so I'm going. I'm going to run with abandon. I'm not going to question Him. I'm going to trust Him.

Trust in the Lord with all you heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
-- Proverbs 3:5-6

Something new and exciting

I bought chocolate covered blueberries last week. I'd never had them before, but I will definitely have them again. :o)

Quick Obedience

I had the honor of spending the weekend with one of my college roommates and her family. She and her husband have two beautiful little girls. Anna is 22 months, and Abigail is 2 and a half months. Needless to say that their house is full of activity. Catching up with Angela was fantastic, and her husband even took care of both of the girls so that we could get in some "girl-time." It's amazing to see friends grow up. I knew Angela when we used to fight about her running late or me being way too obsessive on how clean the house needed to be...but through the years we've both grown.

While I was visiting, I got to experience quite a bit...the girls' bedtimes, mealtimes, playtime, and even Angela and Ryan's style of disciplining. I must admit that I had to applaud my friend. Even at the age of 22 months, I can tell that godly principles are being instilled in Anna. One of the phrases I heard was "Mommy and Daddy desire quick obedience just as your Father in heaven desires quick obedience." Amazing...bringing godly principles down to an almost 2 year old's level.

God does desire quick obedience.

To obey is better than sacrifice. - 1 Samuel 15:22

He desires quick obedience from us, too.

Odd...

I'm usually in the hospital 5-6 days per week. I work with residents and attendings most of those days. I even have a couple of friends who are residents. And yet, when I get sick, I don't have anyone to call.

Black and blue!

Indoor soccer season started this past Saturday, and I've got the bruises to prove it. Too bad my team lost.

New Growth

I was tending to my plants this morning when I found new growth. The daffodil bulbs that I planted at the end of spring last year are starting to sprout forth. As I weeded my snapdragons, I had to be careful not to accidentally remove one of my new little plants. I don't know when they first sprouted, but they did. They grew. Seeing my new little plants reminded me of my life in Christ. So often I expect instant growth and change. I want to be made more Christ-like now. I want to be less selfish now. I want to be more giving, more loving, more fill-in-the blank...now. But that's not how it works. Growth in Christ isn't instantaneous. It takes time. And then one day I look back, and I can see the growth in my life. I can see where God's amazing grace has transformed yet another part of me.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Ecclesiastes 3:11a

I called an escort service!

No...not that kind. Please get your mind out of the gutter.

I got off of work a few minutes after 10 PM. Normally, I think nothing of just walking to my car. In fact, earlier this week, I got off at 1 AM and still walked to my car in the dark about 10-15 minutes away. It was pouring tonight, but I had my umbrella and figured that I would just get wet. Then someone said, "Why don't you call the hospital's escort service? They'll take you right to your car." Usually, I balk at this kind of suggestion, but tonight...I just said, "Okay." And I called.

But Miss Scarlet, I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!

I've never hid the fact that I love babies. They are cute and adorable and so very lovable. I've spent the past week of my OB/GYN rotation in Labor and Delivery, and I have one week to go. It's been interesting. I knew I would find the birthing process miraculous, but I didn't know I would like it as much as I do. It's a good mix of surgery (which I love) and primary care (which has the continuity that I enjoy).

The only problem is that the baby is passed off to pediatrics.

How will I ever figure out what I'm going to do?

=o)

I like picnics. They're fun.

Every 3 seconds...

...someone needs blood. Donate today.

But I want it...

I want a Wii. I really want a Wii. I've been pining over it since Nintendo released it. I played video games growing up...Miss PacMan, PacMan, Pong, Space Invaders, Super Mario Brothers, NBA Jams, Frogger, Olympic powerpad...the list goes on and on. I've gone through the Atari, original Nintendo, Sega, Nintendo 64, and a couple of others (I don't know them nearly as well as my brother). I'm definitely not an expert or really into how to win the games or the tricks of the trade, but I've always enjoyed playing. Anyway, I still want a Wii.

Just for you...

Happy New Year!

Ouch!

It's amazing how God really just grabs my attention sometimes.

The other day I was doing my quiet time...okay, okay...half-heartedly doing my quiet time. For that day, it had almost become a 'check the box' on the to-do list.

I was reading along in Mark 16 where Christ's death is depicted. Christ says, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" (My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?) Even as I was reading it my heart wasn't in the right place. I was thinking that I've read this a million times before (okay, maybe that's an exaggeration)...it's even underlined with notes in my Bible. As I went back to my devotional, it discussed how every stripe on Christ's back, every nail, everything He endured on the cross was because of my sin. In my head, I was thinking 'but I know this.' The devotion continued on with the question of 'would I really have deserved this punishment' and the answer that according to the Word I do. But what hit home was the next line

And if we really think about it, as well intentioned as we assume we are, we can all recall times that we have shunned the personality of the Holy for something that utterly violated it...ON PURPOSE.

What??? On purpose???!!! My heart sank...and my entire attitude changed immediately changed. I won't go into the rest of my quiet time that day or what else I'm studying, but I am thankful that God is faithful. He loves me so much that He desires to humble me so that I will remember that time with Him is not something to be checked off each day, but it is a time of worship. It is a time for Him to teach me. It is a time where a daughter can just rest in the arms of her Father and remember the grace He lavishes upon her.

My heart leaps!

I first heard about Mercy Ships in 2002. A girl in my singles' class in Dallas served aboard Mercy Africa for a month. Hearing about her experience and seeing her pictures really moved me. Over the years, I've had applications several times. I've even completed the application once, but didn't mail it. Something has always prevented me from going...time...money...commitments. And yet, it comes back. I hear of others who have served or Mercy Ships is mentioned during the sermon at church...and my heart leaps. I am still moved the same way I was the first time I heard. Providing healing and hope...physically and spiritually.

I hear Mercy Ships...and my heart leaps.

Really???!!!

I've been contemplating getting a new car. My car is paid off, which is nice, but I know that it's not going to last forever and I've been having to put more money than I'd like into it's up-keep...not so much that it's like making a car payment every month, but I don't want to get there. Anyway, I decided to check the Blue Book value of my car with the high mileage and everything...accounting for it's "good" (but not excellent) condition. My car is listed at around $6500...seriously???. I only paid $13,000 brand new and my car has 106,000 miles on it. I think something must be wrong.

This is my cousin!

More randomness!

I've finished painting my bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen.

Miss Kitty is in love with a new blanket I got for my bed. It's kind of furry.

I only have one Christmas gift left to buy, but I have three birthday presents to find.

All of my immediate family members have birthdays within one month of each other.

I'm on vacation, but I haven't been able to sleep later than 8 AM.

My apartment smells like brownies.

I'm trying to decide between two colors for my dining room - Scottish Loch and Victorian Garnet...I think I'm going with February Gold for the living room.

I found a new project I want to be involved with in the new year.

I feel like entertaining, but my apartment is not yet ready for visitors...someday soon!

Greatness!

I've found a new shampoo. It smells fantastic and my hair looks "brilliant!"

Random

I've had a tall nonfat peppermint mocha hold the whip every day this week. Thank you, Starbucks!

My snapdragons are still blooming.

My amaryllis is growing and should be blooming in a few weeks.

Miss Kitty sleeps a lot.

I've already studied for several hours today, and I still have several hours more to go.

Sometimes an unexpected page makes your day.

Having your attending tell you that your pants are falling down is really embarrassing.

It's nice when your attending buys the team coffee.

My vacation officially starts at 11:30 tomorrow morning.

I really want cookies and milk right now, so I'm going to end this post and whip some up.

By the way...

I should not have had the tall nonfat peppermint mocha at 6:30 this evening. It was delicious and in a red cup, but I am still wired.

I needed a hug.

I've had 5 or 6 really difficult days in the past three weeks. Patients have died or taken a turn for the worse. I've had to have difficult conversations with parents or had to deal with situations that I didn't realize God had prepared me to handle.

While I'm at work, I compartmentalize. I can't get too caught up in the emotional side because there's work to be done and I have to be what the families need me to be. I have to be calm. I have to be able to give information as well as take information during the difficult times. But each day, I came home and just really needed a hug. I needed a reminder of God's love for me. Yes, I can open up the Bible and read about His love but at each of those moments, I needed to feel it.

I didn't ever get those hugs. Miss Kitty might be a cuddler, but she's definitely not a hugger.

Last night at church, I finally got a hug. One of the girls in my class came up to me and gave me a real hug (as opposed to the side hug). I told her thanks and that I needed that, so she hugged me again. She didn't ask me why...she just loved me. She showed me God's love. It was the first real hug I had been given in over three weeks, and it was exactly what I needed.

Lord, thank you for providing again.

Some people really love their dogs.

I went running at Memorial Park this morning with a large percentage of other Houstonians. There were lots of people running with their dogs and plenty of women running with jogging strollers. Then just as I passed one of the strollers, I looked back to see the cute baby...and what to my wondering eyes should appear...two fluffy white dogs. Yep, the lady was pushing her two little white dogs in a stroller while running. Seriously!

Taking time to smell the roses

I walked through the rose garden after the Christmas Tree lightening at the hospital this evening. I took in a deep breath and savored the sweet smell of their beauty. Ahhh...I love flowers.

That's what I want for Christmas. My family keeps asking me what I want for Christmas. I jokingly told them a Wii. I mean I'd take one, but I don't really expect it. I think I'd really like flowers. Yes, I realize they wilt, but I love them. I love how colorful they are and how amazing they smell. I don't need big arrangements. I actually like to arrange my own (I worked in a florist for a while during college). I'm perfectly happy with flowers from the grocery store. I love coming in from a long day of work or studying and bending over to smell them. I love looking at them as I study. I enjoy flowers, and I can't wait until I have a yard where I can plant rose bushes and tulips and irises and gardenias and so many others. One day...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a great turkey day.

just for fun :o)

This is a new advertisement put out by Cadbury...they're having a contest. Enjoy!

Feels like home to me

I'm home. I spent the last three weeks in Fort Worth doing outpatient pediatrics. After three weeks away, I'm so thankful to be home. I love sleeping in my bed and being able to cook my meals.

Outpatient pediatrics was great! The kids are fantastically adorable. Ah...I truly loved them...from the screaming two year olds to the macho adolescents to the newborns just days into this world. They were great. My preceptor was fantastic. He was truly interested in teaching. He gave me room to learn and knew just when to step in so that I could learn without progressing to being overwhelmed. He valued my opinion...even when it was wrong. I learned so much in three weeks...so much more than I expected. I really enjoyed my rotation. Then I stepped into the hospital this morning, and...

...I'm home.

I can't explain it, but it's home. I don't know if it's home because I worked for several years in a hospital or because God is calling me to work as a physician in a hospital. Either way, I'm going to enjoy being home for the next several weeks.

Where's "home" for you?

Going under the knife!

No, I'm not having surgery, but I'd like your opinion on plastic surgery.

Would you ever consider it? Would you ever encourage someone else to have it? Do you think there's a biblical basis for or against it?

:o)

Just thought I would say a friendly, "HELLO!"

:o)

I love kids. They are so innocent and amazing. And quite often they are so, so very honest.

Thus...my heart just melted when I was examining a little girl and she looked up at me and said, "You're pretty."

My finger's no longer naked!

I found my Baylor ring. I thought I had lost it forever. A friend of mine even offered to let me wear his Aggie ring, but it wouldn't have been the same.

It doesn't matter though...my ring is found and it is back in it's rightful place.

Odd...

When I'm sick, applesauce becomes my favorite food.

I caught her.

I caught Miss Kitty drinking from the toilet. Now I just wish I would have had my camera ready to go.

Again...

So I have a friend who I am relatively consistently a jerk around. More often than not, I'm self-centered and jealous. I'm not quite sure why these "qualities" seem to come to the surface more with this friend, but they do.

My friend usually says very little but simply allows me to realize the errors of my actions. Quite often, I'll admit, I realize them much later. Last night was different, I realized it almost immediately. I wasn't being affirming. I wasn't building my friend up. I wasn't acting out Ephesians 4:29 - "Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers."

I did call and apologize, but it still doesn't erase the "icky" feeling I have that once again reminds me that I am still very much flesh. The amazing thing is that as soon as I realize and repent...Christ steps in with His mercy and grace...He steps in to say, "Go, and sin no more." And I am given the courage to change and accept the victory Christ has already won.

Sadness...

I've started drinking bad coffee.

Seriously!

When I started drinking coffee on that monumental day during July 2006, I vowed that I would only drink good...no make that fantastic coffee. I vowed that I would not become one to drink whatever coffee was available just because I needed coffee. Well...it's happened. Time and time again, I find myself drinking the free coffee at the hospital or in the clinics because I...because I "need" it.

Can anyone help me?

Hurricane Dean

It's funny...I breathed a sigh of relief when I found out that Hurricane Dean wasn't going to make landfall in Galveston. I know that I even said a prayer thanking God, but I didn't really think about the people he would hit.

Hurricane Dean's second hit in Mexico was the area where I did research in May 2006. The families depend on farming to live, and most of the banana farms have been severely damaged. They live in houses with bamboo walls, tin roofs, and dirt/cement floors. The farm animals come inside for the night...especially when it's cold. They do have electricity, but bathing and washing clothes occurs in the river. Money is sparse...but the view...the view was amazing. God's beauty was everywhere. The forests seemed almost untouched. And the people loved...their love for one another is really only something that I can equate to the love I felt when I was in Romania. To be able to love others like them...that's Christ.

Fortunately, Dean's death toll was minimal, but please pray for the people in the state of Vera Cruz. I can't imagine what they're going through.

Depraved

and sometimes the depravity of my own soul hits me square between the eyes...

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

~ C.S. Lewis

I need ideas.

I'm still raising money with Team in Training for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, but I'm running out of ideas for fundraisers. Does anyone have any ideas?

Beauty

People are like stained glass windows --
the true beauty can be seen only when there is light from within.
The darker the night, the brighter the windows.
--Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

My dream came true...almost.

I love to sail. I love the feel of the wind against my face. I love the feel of a sailboat as you can hover close to capsizing while sailing close hauled. I love gliding through the water. Anyway, a couple of months ago I dreamt I bought a sailboat. Actually I bought a gigantic sailboat. The one in my dream had 5 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms...and a helicopter. All for $500.

Okay, so I didn't by a sailboat, but I did go sailing over the weekend. It was fantastic and just as wonderful as I remember it.

Ahhhh...the sun on my face...the wind in my hair...and porpoises swimming alongside...a little piece of heaven.

Running...

I've taken my running to a new level. No...I'm not running sub-six minute miles...at least not yet, but I have incorporated some new things into my routine. Or as one man I know would say...I've nerded it up.

I now know how much water I lose for every mile I run...8 ounces. That's about normal. Some people lose more. Some people lose less. I happen to be about normal. I can also tell you how many electrolytes I lose when I run. I'll spare you the details, but I'm now rehydrating with more than just water. Hydrating involves mixing and measuring and way more than just taking a swig from a water fountain. I've also calculated how many calories I burn per mile...definitely not enough to warrant the three times I had ice cream in the past two weeks...but ah...it was heavenly.

But nothing in this new level of running changes one of the main reasons I enjoy it. When I come back from a long run and am completely drenched with sweat, all the little hairs that have fallen out of my ponytail...all the little wispy hairs...are in ringlets. Yep, they are completely curly. Now, I'm fairly certain that no man would ever appreciate this...me being drenched with sweat or the fact that it makes my hair curly...but I'm going to continue running anyway.

I scream...You scream...We all scream for ice cream!

Today is National Ice Cream Day.
Go ahead and celebrate!

Good Night!

I have so much that I want to say, but I don't know how to say it. I've never been a fantastic communicator, but I don't even know where to begin. The last three weeks have been amazing. There have been mountain top experiences, and there have been difficult times. I have cried with patients, and I have rejoiced with patients. I am working long hours and not sleeping as much as I used to...and yet, I am filled with more joy and excitement than I could have ever imagined.

Right now though...it's 7:20 pm...and I'm going to take this opportunity to get a little extra sleep...so I'm going to bed.

As American as...

Happy 4th of July!

Things I've learned in the last week

1. Be careful with how much you put in your pockets...weighing down drawstring pants is not a good thing.
2. I learn best by seeing, hearing, and doing.
3. I love interacting with patients and their families.
4. If you go get coffee, be sure to ask your resident if he or she would like some...they usually need it more.
5. Danskos are my best friend.
6. Radiologists are super-helpful.
7. Stairs are faster than elevators.
8. Going to bed like I'm five is actually really nice.
9. Running is still one of my favorite activities.
10. If your resident or attending says you can go home for the day...don't argue.
11. Introduce yourself to everyone...most people respond well to smiles and handshakes.
12. I have a lot to learn...seriously...how do Mark and Sarah do it?!

Faithfulness and Grace

Over the past month...almost two...God has been teaching me more and more about His faithfulness and grace.

This morning I awoke with praise on my lips.

Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Great is Your love and justice God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation
And all Your people sing along

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me
- Matt Mayer

Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. - Hebrews 10:23

And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:9a

Pastor Gregg should be in marketing.

So Pastor Gregg mentioned Crystal Light Peach Iced Tea during his sermon on Sunday...and since then, I can't get it out of my head. I've had coffee, diet coke, regular tea...nothing's worked. Today I broke down and bought some.

Finally...refreshment.

Pecan Supreme

I had no idea that my favorite cookie said so much about me.

If your favorite cookie is Pecan Supreme you are curious, sincere and love being pampered in luxury.

People who are Pecan Supreme cookie eaters are health conscious and are drawn to clothes, homes and partners that are comfortable and elegant. They are refined and traditional, prefer low-key social gatherings with music and quiet discussions, but are never boring. Pecan Supreme cookie lovers are methodical and precise in business, and are careful about money, which allows them to invest and save wisely. They are shy and sometimes seem unfriendly, but are solid and reliable with high expectations of friends and family.

Great American Cookies

:o)

There comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones. - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Someone stop me

I bought a pound and a half of cherries at the grocery store yesterday...and...um...they are over half way gone. Someone please stop me. They are so, so, so yummy.

Today and always..

"Don't seek to be perfect; seek to stare at your God." - Gibson

It's official...

Training for the 2007 Nike Women's Marathon has begun.

I'm starting out slow, but you'll be able to see how many miles I've logged as I update my sidebar.

And...I am running with Team In Training. I don't have my website up yet, but I'll get it going (with a link on my sidebar) and start sending out letters in early June.

My life as a Far Side comic.

Last night, I needed to make a quick run to Target. I grabbed my keys and my credit card and headed out the door. I shut the door behind me and stood there for a minute or so trying to figure out why the door wouldn't lock. I was standing right there, and I couldn't hear the lock engage. Yep, that's when it hit me...I was attempting to lock my apartment using the wireless entry system for my car.

Waiting for sleep to come.

I've been trying to go to sleep since about 10 pm. Thus far, I haven't been successful, but I wouldn't say that I've been a failure either.

As I've awaited the sleep I so long for, praises...songs of worship have been running through my head. Although my body is tired and my mind is weary, my heart wants to praise the Lord.

I received a sweet email from one of my dear friends. In it, she said that she was praying that God would place His song on my lips and in my heart today. He answered her prayer...He is faithful.

Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised. - Psalm 145:3a

Father God, thank you for being worthy of all praise. Thank you for reminding me that I can still praise You even when I'm tired...even if I feel like I have nothing left to offer You...I am to praise You. Thank you for Your faithfulness in answering prayers. Amen.

The Grad and I

My brother graduated from the University of North Texas on Saturday.
I am so proud of him.

Congratulations, Kyle!

Time to breathe...

The pace of life is so fast. So many things have to be done every day that more often than not they become tasks instead of blessings. I realized this while watering my plants this evening. My thought was I'll take a 10 minute study break to water my plants...like it was just a task to check off for the day.

But then I got out there. My gardenia is in full bloom...the fragrance is nothing short of amazing. My morning glories and snap-dragons are vibrant with color and full of life. My tomato plants have more than 50 tomatoes between the two of them (and they're not cherry tomatoes). And then there's my hibiscuses...their blooms absolutely take my breath away.

They may be my plants, but God has made them, and He made them beautiful. He made them to show His glory and to remind me of Himself.

Lord, thank you for today. Thank you for the little moments where You remind me to take time to enjoy Your creation. Thank you for leading me beside a quiet water, even just for a moment, so that I could breathe Your fragrance in deep.

"Learn to hold loosely all that is not eternal." - Maud Royden

Just in case you were wondering...

...if it's ever needed, I can play little orphan Annie.

"The sun will come out, tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow, there'll be sun
Just thinkin' about, tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
til there's none..."

love me?...yes

I received this today from a guy I went to high school with in his newsletter, and I just thought I'd pass it on. He grew up in Azle but now lives and works in Tennessee. His website is www.kairosworld.com

it was 'children's day' today in church. 'children's day' is about as real as it gets; "real" being in agreement with webster's def.: adj. [ree-uhl] unfeigned or sincere. you know. they sing songs with motions. hand motions. half face the congregation. half face the choir. it's a mess.

i've discovered there are two types of children in this setting: 1) the grinners. teeth showing, they shout the songs, wave to mom, dad, grandmother and grandad, a distant cousin and each of their past four babysitters. 2) the blanks. with an apathetic posture they stare directly at their mother and father simultaneously, communicating "you did this to me".

and on this day, we adults sincerely enjoy both.

then, in the middle of the teeming chaos, they open their mouths. "Jesus loves me/this i know/for the Bible tells me so", spilling the truth of Salvation into the open air. and without prompt, the congregation begins to hum along, "little ones to Him belong/they are weak but He is strong".

i've made grievous mistakes in my twenty-three+ years. the morning after one of many transgressions, i spent time with my, at that time, twenty month-old cousin graham while his parents visited the doctor. after awhile, graham inevitably became upset, wanting to see his mom, dad and his sibling yet to be. tears flowed hard.

we rode up and down elevators, talked with strangers, stuck our noses in water fountains, walked outside and had a heart to heart chat about the uselessness of the crying. more tears.

not being a parent i'm not up on the tricks of the trade, but it suddenly hit me - SING. "yes, Jesus loves me/yes Jesus loves me/yes, Jesus loves me/the Bible tells me so". graham's crying turned quiet. and my hopeless heart began to beat again.

"when i said, my foot is slipping
your love, oh Lord, supported me". psalm 94:18, 19.

taking a hint from the child in each of us, may we never forget the love of our gracious father, God.

andrew

Free and healthy?

The hospital celebrated Earth Day today. There were free trees by the arm full and free basil by the cupful (no, I didn't get any more). There was also an advertised "free and healthy lunch"...interesting...hot dogs, potato chips, carrot sticks, and cake.

I think someone is confused.

I amuse myself.

I often look up information on the internet for class or just for my own understanding. Since I have a laptop, my computer usually isn't hooked up to my printer. Anyway, once I find the information I need I email myself the site. More often than not...when I hear the little click indicating that I have new email, I get excited. Wow...who sent me an email...yeah...it was just me...I just sent myself an email. Oh, well...I should get excited about an email from me...I'm a pretty special person.

Cupcakes...

I made cupcakes last week. I decided to get fancy.

Would you...

...prefer to possess great physical strength or be naturally graceful?

June 2nd

In 6 weeks and two days, I will take the USMLE Step 1.

One day - eight hours - 350 questions.

Most of my time right now is spent studying...attempting to divide the time between studying for the Step and class (only 12 days left).

This exam is important, but contrary to what the school administration says, it doesn't determine the rest of my life. God is bigger than that; He can open doors that we think are nailed shut. However, I do want to well, so I'm putting in my time.

As I prepare, I could use prayers. I had a mini-meltdown last night, which really wasn't too bad (it lasted about 20 minutes), but I need to remember that God is in control. I don't want to succumb to the anxiety that fills so many of my classmates. God has led me here. He's not about to abandon me. I need to remember that. In the multitude of my anxieties within me, You comforts delight my soul. - Psalm 94:19

When I was studying for the MCAT, one of my dear friends continually reminded me of Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us. I want to remember this and continue to praise Him and glorify Him.

So yeah, I know I don't often put prayer requests on my blog, actually I don't know if I've ever put a prayer request on my blog...but I wanted to share. Please pray...and if you're inclined, I could always use gift cards to Panera Bread or Starbucks (my favorite study places).

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. - Philippians 4:6

Today's a holiday

It's International Juggler's Day!

Do you know someone who can juggle?
Celebrate him or her today.

Something new and different...

So I spent the last hour picking mulberries. It was so much fun. Hmmm...what to do now?...I guess I'll make cobbler.

Experiencing the God who comforts.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

My God comforts. He comforts in all things. He comforts when I've been wronged, but He also comforts when I'm the one who is wrong. I don't deserve comfort, but He is merciful, and so I accept His gift of comfort.

I pray that you would allow God to comfort you in all circumstances. He is willing, but you must accept.

So I'm studying...

...and I have Friends on as background noise.

Ross just started singing Sir Mix-a-Lot...ah...I love Friends.

Today

I prayed for you today...and I know God heard.

This is your brain...

Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250. - Harper's Index

Confession...

I skipped lunch to work-out today, but by 2 PM I was so hungry and shaky that I ate 3 cookies.

HE is risen!

Every Easter, I watch the sun rise. It's a tradition my parents started with my brother and me when we were little. For as long as I can remember, watching the sun rise on Easter has been symbolic for the rising of God's Son.

Yesterday morning, I set my alarm to wake up early, and I went outside for a walk. Unfortunately, it was too cloudy for me to actually watch the sun rise, but I can rest in knowing that HE is risen...HE is risen, indeed.

**On a side note...due to getting up early, I ended up falling asleep while watching a movie with a group of friends later yesterday afternoon...how embarrassing, but HE is still risen.

You know you're tired when...

you fall asleep on the concrete floor of the room you've been studying in (with the lights on) and don't wake up until morning.

The Dangers of Overcontrol

-- from Ephesians 4 Ministries

For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He has rejected you as king. - 1 Samuel 15:23

A friend of mine who is a jet pilot once told me that whenever a jet goes out of control and begins to spin, the only thing to do is totally take your hands off the controls and the plane will right itself. This goes against our natural inclination to control and manipulate in order to bring things back under control. It is scary to be out of control. Or is it?

Saul was a man out of control. He was losing control of his kingdom to David. He was losing the favor of God and the people. It began as compromises. Eventually he was given a final test to obey the voice of God fully. He was instructed to kill the Amalekites completely; but he failed to follow through. The prophet Samuel delivered a hard word to King Saul, "Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He has rejected you as king" (see 1 Sam. 15:26). Saul obeyed partially, but not fully. It was partial obedience that led to his removal as king of Israel and his calling from God. But why did Saul do such a thing? "I was afraid of the people and so I gave in to them" (1 Sam. 15:24b). Saul's fear and insecurity made him more afraid of the people and what they thought than of God. At the core of Saul's disobedience was fear of losing control. That fear of losing control led to partial obedience and the loss of his reign as king.

How many of us are in danger of losing God's blessing due to partial obedience? How many of us have such a need to control people and circumstances that we fail to fully walk in obedience to God's voice in our lives? Saul provides a great lesson for us as workplace believers. The need to overcontrol things around us can prevent us from receiving all that God has for us. Today, take an inventory of your control quotient.

Ask God if you are being fully obedient to what He has called you to do this day, and avoid being put on the shelf for disobedience. "To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams" (1 Sam. 15:22b).

An opportunity...

"Every day you have the opportunity to love God with all of you." - Gibson

The question is...are you going to take advantage of it?