Purging

Last night I talked with a sweet friend about our Lord and what He is doing in each of our lives. We started out describing it as pruning (see yesterday's post)...and then stripping...but finally we decided that purging was the best term.

If you think about it, when you have the stomach flu, the whole nausea and stomach pain leading to the vomiting is horrible. Sometimes it feels like you are actually going to die, and then you vomit and suddenly relief comes. It's like your whole body relaxes and you rest.

Sometimes what God is doing in our lives feels like that. It's painful, and sometimes we may feel as though we would rather die. But the truth is that if we allow the Lord to complete His work in us...the other side is better. We will come out on the other side closer to Him...more resembling Him...and with a faith that is stronger than we have previously known.

And so Lord, we thank You. We thank You for Your leading. We thank You for Your discipline. Your rod and Your staff...they really do comfort us.

Pruning

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:1-2

Going through a pruning process is never easy. I know...I'm in the midst of one. God takes away or calls us to give up things that at the time seem so dear to us. But ultimately, it is for our good. He has a plan, and during the painful portions of that plan, He longs for us to turn to Him.

As the year comes to a close, is God asking you to give up "idols" and return to Him? Is He knocking on the door of your heart desiring to bring you closer to Him?

Mornings...

Some days I make really good coffee...some days I don't.

Houston Project

Every year my church does a what essentially is a mission trip within our city. Hundreds of church members go out to other churches, apartment complexes, and community centers to spend the early evening of every day sharing the love of Christ with people. As we spend our final days preparing for what is destined to be another amazing year...God is so faithful, I am realizing more and more how different Christians can look. Yes, we are unified through Christ, but some have tattoos, some have piercings, some have even have blue hair. I pray that as I go into this week God would continue to grow me and help me to truly know how big his love is.

After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could number, of all the nations, tribes, peoples, and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, with palm branches in their hands and crying out with a loud voice, saying, "Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!" - Revelation 7:9-10

Believe ME

I'm not exactly sure why it happens. So often I blame it on being fallen...but the enemy attacks and doubt creeps in. I start to question God's path for me. I start to wonder if this is His best...surely there's got to be a way...a path that hurts less...and then He gently reminds me to believe Him...to trust Him.

I watch you looking out across the raging water
So sure your only hope lies on the other side
You hear the enemy that's closing in around you
And I know that you don't have the strength to fight
But do you have the faith to stand and...

Believe Me now
Believe Me here
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe Me now
Believe Me now

I am the One who waved my hand and split the ocean
I am the One who spoke the words and raised the dead
And I've loved you long before I set the world in motion
I know all the fears you're feeling now
But do you remember who I am?
Do you..

Believe Me now
Believe Me here
Remember all the times I've told you loud and clear
I am with you
And I am for you

So believe Me now
Believe it's true
I never have, I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe Me now

I am the God who never wastes a single hurt that you endure
My words are true, and all My promises are sure
So believe Me now
Believe Me now

Reminder

So often, I need to be reminded of the words of Eleanor Roosevelt,
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Postcards

One of my friends always sends me a postcard when ever he goes out of town. I've gotten postcards from Chicago, Boston, Kentucky, San Francisco, and many other cities. They always bring a smile to my face.

Busted

I'm currently doing a rotation in a prison hospital, and I often forget the amount of security that surrounds me.

Well, yesterday I was walking down the hall, and I slipped on something and completely busted (I now have a huge bruise on my knee and a second on my hip to prove it). There was a gentleman and a housekeeping lady in the hall. They were both very sympathetic, and I assured them that I was okay. I really thought I'd had come out okay. Whew...only two people saw.

...until I began walking by the wardens' station. And they asked me if I was okay. Just then I realized that there are cameras everywhere in the prison hospital and that they had seen me fall on camera. Yay!

So there's probably now a YouTube video of me falling in the middle of the hall...just call me grace!

To cut or not to cut...that is the question!

Right now is the time when third year medical students begin seriously considering what they are going to do in their future. Is it going to be surgery, pediatrics, internal medicine, anesthesiology, radiology, or something like aerospace medicine? Some know right off the bat. It's easy because they've wanted to be an obstetrician their whole life or the only rotation they've enjoyed is psychiatry.

And then there's the rest of us...unsure of exactly where we are supposed to go and what God has planned. As I talked with a classmate this afternoon, she made the comment that she imagines it's easier to make the decision without having to think about a husband or children. I happen to disagree. I think it would be easier to make a decision if I did have those to think about.

My dean wants my personal statement for residency applications in T-minus 7 days. I've tried to write it like 20 times already, but I can't get past the first paragraph.

Loving when blind is not true love.
True love is seeing the faults and loving nonetheless.
- Anonymous

Maybe a little too excited...

My printer quit working several months ago, and I'd been stalling on buying a new one. I gotten by with using the printers at the hospital and the library.

That's all changed now. I bought a new printer on Monday night. I went intending to buy a cheap printer that just printed on paper. I didn't need any fancy scanner, copier, photo printer contraption. I just wanted a printer. Well...I walked out with a fancy scanner, copier, photo printer contraption...and I couldn't be happier. I'm in love with my new printer...if that's possible. It's glorious. Seriously! It's beautiful. It does exactly what I ask it to, and the pictures are crystal clear.

I'm doing the happy dance. I'll be doing the happy dance for a while. My new printer makes me happy...really happy!

Fond memories

The other day I stopped by a very popular fast food restaurant to purchase a beverage. The line for the drive through was way too long so I decided to pop in and purchase my beverage at the counter. I ordered and was given my cup. I walked over to the soda fountain and realized that I would have to wait a minute or two because someone was ahead of me and she was making a suicide soda (you know...where you mix the different soda flavors together). She was very precise while making her concoction and would taste it after each addition. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself as I remembered doing the very same thing as a child. What made me smile even more was that the lady appeared to be in her eighties. Childlike innocence makes me smile...even in someone who isn't technically a child.

Survey

Rules for the game:
1. Put these rules at the beginning of your post.
2. Answer each question (see below) in your post.
3. Tag five people at the end.

What was I doing 10 years ago?
May 1998...I was finishing up my freshman year of college.

Five things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Tithe and offerings
2. Pay off my student loans
3. Buy a house
4. Put a large chunk into savings/ investments
5. Start a philanthropic organization to help pay for medical care for those who can't afford it

Five jobs that I have had:
1. Lifeguard
2. Floral arranger
3. Resident assistant
4. NICU registered nurse
5. Neuroanatomy and Behavioral Science tutor

Three of my habits:
1. Checking email frequently, but responding infrequently.
2. Drinking coffee every morning
3. Taking my shoes off the minute I come home or enter someone's house.

Five places I have lived
1. Overland Park, Kansas
2. Azle, TX
3. Waco, TX
4. Dallas, TX (and surrounding cities)
5. Galveston, TX

Five people I want to get to know better (most people have already been named)
1. Bethany
2. Keziah
3. The Hoppers
4.
5.

In that silence

My heart has been heavy today. Actually, it's been heavy the past several days. I've been crying out to God not knowing what to do, but then this evening, I just sat there. After I finished reading His Word and was reminded that He created the world and it can never be moved by anyone but Him, I just sat in silence. It was in that silence that I felt His peace flooding my soul. It was in that silence that I was reminded of His love and began to sing,

Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness, stretches to the skies
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains
Your justice flows like the ocean's tide
And I will lift my voice to worship You, my King
And I will my strength in the shadow of Your wings
Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens...

Breaking the rules...

Last night I broke my own rule. I still can't believe I did it. It was something that I held to so tightly. It was something that I actually prided myself on. Maybe it's a good thing...I shouldn't have prided myself in it in the first place.

I'm still quite shocked and don't know if I can type it...I asked people to be my friend on facebook.

Happiness is...

...finding your missing pager in the middle of the ER.

Becoming...

Somewhere between walking into Gross Anatomy for the first time and eventually walking across the stage as you're granted a Doctorate in Medicine, it hits you...and you realize that you are, in fact, becoming a doctor. You find yourself talking with interns, residents, and attendings as though they are colleagues. You begin to start conversations with "the literature says" or "according to a recent study." You realize you are so very far from knowing it all, and yet, you also know that you will continue to push yourself to determine what is best for your patients. You turn from seeing your patients as a diagnosis to seeing them as individuals...people with families...people with jobs...people who do so much more than just lie in the hospital bed in front of you. Becoming a doctor is a process, and I thank God for the opportunity to go through this process.

I wish I was asleep...

About an hour and a half ago, Miss Kitty jumped on my desk and proceeded to knock down several items while she was up there. I woke in panic mode and have been unable to get back to sleep. Tomorrow...or rather today could be a very long day.

Just a reminder

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting...Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower and thank God for it. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

My Words

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. - Ephesians 4:29

Holding my tongue can be difficult. So often I find myself saying things that later I wish I hadn't said. There are times when I am sarcastic or facetious or I let the zingers fly when what I should have done is said nothing.

How long will it take us to tame our tongues, to realize that words hurt, and truly know that God's plan is for us to edify one another and spur one another on towards a closer relationship with Him?

A Time for Everything

You would think I would be some what used to it by now, but I'm not. I don't know that you can ever actually get used to death. I know it's inevitable. One hundred percent of people will die...it's just the timing and the circumstances that bother me.

The end of last week when I arrived at work, I was greeted with the news that Mr. Johnson* had passed away. This wasn't really a surprise. He had been suffering from a terminal illness and had signed do not resuscitate orders, but still, it hurt. Today, it happened again...Mr. Smith* passed away. Somehow, I never quite get used to it. I still feel pain with the passing of a patient, and I pray that they know the Father.

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
A time to die.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-2a

* Names have been changed.

Perfect Body

Over the weekend, one of my friends told me that I had a perfect body. Honestly, I don't remember if I even said, "Thank you." The comment caught me off guard.

I've never thought of my body as perfect. For years, I saw my body as much bigger than it actually was. I prayed night after night to wake up 10 or 20 or 30 pounds lighter. But I'm coming to realize that I do have the perfect body. Yes, I still have bumps and wrinkles and sagginess in places I don't particularly care to...I wish I was more toned...but God made my body. He gave me two legs that work perfectly whether I'm walking into a patient's room, running in a marathon, or strolling down the beach. He gave me two arms to wrap around people to show them His love. He gave me two able hands to carry out His work. He gave me a brain so that I could learn and ultimately glorify Him.

My friend is right. I do have a perfect body, but it's not because of what it looks like. I have the perfect body because it was made by God, and He is perfect.

I wish I had unlimited income...

If I had unlimited income, I would never again have to tell a patient, "I'm sorry but your insurance doesn't cover that treatment," or "I'm sorry but you don't qualify for a transplant (or chemo or a certain clinic) because there's no funding."

If I had unlimited income, I would build a hospital where treatments are free...where regardless of your income or insurance you would be treated to the best of our abilities.

If you're wondering, yes, I'm an idealist...it's not going to happen, but my heart goes out to patients when we have to tell them that they don't qualify for treatments or therapy because of a lack of money.

Beautiful

A man came up to me today and said, "I just wanted to let you know that you are stunningly beautiful."

I looked at him and then looked at the floor as I mumbled, "Thank you."

And then he put his hand on my arm (which freaked me out at first), and I looked him directly in the eye, and he said, "Believe me. You are stunningly beautiful."

And that was about it. The man left.

Life imitating...work.

For the past five and a half weeks, I've been on my psychiatry rotation. I've dealt with patients with a myriad of diagnoses. Some live with their families or on their own. Some live in nursing homes or group homes. Some did live with their families or on their own will have to move into a nursing or group home upon discharge. That's always hard to take. It means that the families of these people can no longer care for them. It's a difficult decision but one that sometimes has to be made.

As I've been dealing with this regarding my patients at work, I've also been dealing with this in my family. My grandmother has some form of dementia. We don't know what it is...she refuses to let them do any "tests." Her health is failing, too...to the point that my grandfather took her to the emergency room this last week and she was put in the hospital for several days. Unfortunately, my grandmother became very agitated at the thought of going to the big University Medical Center and convinced my grandfather to take her to the smaller local hospital. They still don't know what's wrong. My grandmother knows my name when I call, but if I call her in the morning and again in the evening, by the evening, often she has completely forgotten the morning phone call. She is confused and emotionally labile much of the time. My grandfather is at a loss of what to do.

I have an aunt with a mental illness who regularly goes off of her medication. She stopped again a couple of weeks ago and disappeared for a few days causing us to file a missing persons report with the police. She has reached the point where she can no longer live alone. For the past several years, she's lived in a retirement/assisted living community. That's really no longer feasible. She needs someone to administer her medications to her twice a day...every day. How do you tell an adult that they essentially need a babysitter?

My uncle with frontotemporal dementia had to take early retirement. He and my aunt just sold their dream house to move into an apartment because he can't function like he used to. He no longer drives and just doesn't have the ability to perform many of the activities he used to love.

So live is imitating work right now...I don't like it, but I know God has it in His hands and even though I don't always feel like He hears my prayers...I know He does.

Journey to Nineveh

Has God ever prompted you to do something you didn't want to do...something that was not in your original plan and yet you can't seem to get away from it?

Yeah...sometimes God sends me to Nineveh, too.

God provides.

When I moved out of my old apartment, I had to leave my beloved hibiscus plants behind. I had three of them in various colors, and I so much enjoyed watching them bloom and taking care of them. Unfortunately, since they were on my roof top terrace and weighed over 150 pounds each with the soil and pots, they had to be left behind. I moved into a smaller apartment. I still have plants but not as many and only on my front porch, which doesn't have room to accommodate a hibiscus.

But God provides. Outside my bedroom window is a beautiful hibiscus! The apartment complex planted it. Every morning when I wake up, all I have to do is gaze out the window to be reminded that God provides...in all things He provides.

I'm scared...

I rarely get scared. Anxious...yes...but not scared. I lived in the ghetto in Dallas...the ghetto! Seriously, my neighbors told me not to go out at night and if I had to for any reason to make sure that one of them escorted me to and from my car.

But this is different.

Evidently some girl gave out my phone number instead of hers...and now this random guy keeps calling me. I've tried answering and telling him that I am not the person he's looking for. I've tried letting it go to voicemail...which I then realized was a mistake because I say, "It's a beautiful day in Galveston." He's called multiple times, and honestly, I'd really like him to stop. I have no interest in talking with him or meeting him.

Needless to say, I will be locking my door tonight using all three locks.

Today I felt like a doctor.

It doesn't happen very often. In fact, I can probably count the number of times it's happened on one hand, but today...I felt like a doctor.

Exciting!

The Baylor men's basketball team hasn't made an appearance in the NCAA tournament since 1988...until now!

Go Bears!

Truth from one of my faculty

It's hard to walk south when God's pointing your feet north.

Benefits of the short white coat

1. It keeps me warm. As a person who tends to become chilled easily, I appreciate the added layer of warmth.

2. It protects my clothes. My white coat, which can easily be bleached, has taken many hits and successfully saved my clothing. It's held up to several cups of coffee, sodas, condiments, and sauces like a champ.

3. There are many pockets. Pockets are great. They hold stuff. However, putting an overabundance of items in my pants pockets leaves me looking...well, less than attractive. Fortunately, I am saved by the pockets in white coat. My pockets hold things like my cell phone, wallet, pens, pencils, highlighters, trauma shears, notepads, BMI wheel, pregnancy wheel, tuning fork, reflex hammer, pen light, several books, extra paperwork, and sometimes my pager. Wow! No wonder it's so heavy.

and 4. The length tells people my status. They know when they see my short white coat that I am still a student. It's quite helpful. They don't ask me questions that they know I can't answer or expect me to be able to write orders.

In just 16 short months, I'll have to trade in my short white coat for a long one...with fewer pockets...what will I do?

Little annoyances...

Does anyone else get annoyed by the amount of junk mail that doesn't get filtered by the various email servers?

No CV needed

I've been working on my CV (curriculum vitae). It's similar to a resume except more focused on education, leadership, research, and community service. Anyway, as I've been typing it, I've realized that I'm racking my brain trying to think of every little thing of done...every time I've lead an organization or group or I've helped someone. I feel like I'm having to prove that I'm good enough on paper...and then it hit me. Yes, for school...for work...I have to be "good enough" on paper, but isn't wonderful that for God...I will never be "good enough"...He saved me by His grace alone.

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God. Not by works, lest any man should boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

FYI

There is nothing more attractive than hearing a godly man pray or seeing him play with children.

It's all about love.

I spent the morning working in the OB clinic for the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. As I met each patient, listened to her story, and completed the exam, the same thought ran through my head, "These women need love." I only hope that I was able to demonstrate some amount of love to them during my short time with each one.

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal, And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing...And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3, 13

Happy Valentine's Day!

We will...we will...rock you!

1 9-volt battery = $2
CD-radio alarm clock = $40
1 month's electricity = $50
Waking up to Queen = PRICELESS


Go ahead and sing your favorite Queen song. You know you want to.

Small Indulgences

Okay...so I'll admit it...I like Big Red, and every now and then, I just have to have one. Maybe it goes back to my childhood or my years at Baylor, but I just love that bubble gummy taste.

Small Changes

Earlier this week, I made a small change in my life. Really, it's nothing big. It doesn't take me any time, and it doesn't cost or save me any money. However, it's made a huge impact on my outlook. It's changed my daily focus, and I feel like God is closer.

Is God asking you to make a small change in order to draw you closer to Him?

Trying something new...

I'm stubborn.

I'm stubborn, and I usually fight God on His path for my life. But I'm going to try something new. I feel God leading me down a road, so I'm going. I'm going to run with abandon. I'm not going to question Him. I'm going to trust Him.

Trust in the Lord with all you heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.
-- Proverbs 3:5-6

Something new and exciting

I bought chocolate covered blueberries last week. I'd never had them before, but I will definitely have them again. :o)

Quick Obedience

I had the honor of spending the weekend with one of my college roommates and her family. She and her husband have two beautiful little girls. Anna is 22 months, and Abigail is 2 and a half months. Needless to say that their house is full of activity. Catching up with Angela was fantastic, and her husband even took care of both of the girls so that we could get in some "girl-time." It's amazing to see friends grow up. I knew Angela when we used to fight about her running late or me being way too obsessive on how clean the house needed to be...but through the years we've both grown.

While I was visiting, I got to experience quite a bit...the girls' bedtimes, mealtimes, playtime, and even Angela and Ryan's style of disciplining. I must admit that I had to applaud my friend. Even at the age of 22 months, I can tell that godly principles are being instilled in Anna. One of the phrases I heard was "Mommy and Daddy desire quick obedience just as your Father in heaven desires quick obedience." Amazing...bringing godly principles down to an almost 2 year old's level.

God does desire quick obedience.

To obey is better than sacrifice. - 1 Samuel 15:22

He desires quick obedience from us, too.

Odd...

I'm usually in the hospital 5-6 days per week. I work with residents and attendings most of those days. I even have a couple of friends who are residents. And yet, when I get sick, I don't have anyone to call.

Black and blue!

Indoor soccer season started this past Saturday, and I've got the bruises to prove it. Too bad my team lost.

New Growth

I was tending to my plants this morning when I found new growth. The daffodil bulbs that I planted at the end of spring last year are starting to sprout forth. As I weeded my snapdragons, I had to be careful not to accidentally remove one of my new little plants. I don't know when they first sprouted, but they did. They grew. Seeing my new little plants reminded me of my life in Christ. So often I expect instant growth and change. I want to be made more Christ-like now. I want to be less selfish now. I want to be more giving, more loving, more fill-in-the blank...now. But that's not how it works. Growth in Christ isn't instantaneous. It takes time. And then one day I look back, and I can see the growth in my life. I can see where God's amazing grace has transformed yet another part of me.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Ecclesiastes 3:11a

I called an escort service!

No...not that kind. Please get your mind out of the gutter.

I got off of work a few minutes after 10 PM. Normally, I think nothing of just walking to my car. In fact, earlier this week, I got off at 1 AM and still walked to my car in the dark about 10-15 minutes away. It was pouring tonight, but I had my umbrella and figured that I would just get wet. Then someone said, "Why don't you call the hospital's escort service? They'll take you right to your car." Usually, I balk at this kind of suggestion, but tonight...I just said, "Okay." And I called.

But Miss Scarlet, I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!

I've never hid the fact that I love babies. They are cute and adorable and so very lovable. I've spent the past week of my OB/GYN rotation in Labor and Delivery, and I have one week to go. It's been interesting. I knew I would find the birthing process miraculous, but I didn't know I would like it as much as I do. It's a good mix of surgery (which I love) and primary care (which has the continuity that I enjoy).

The only problem is that the baby is passed off to pediatrics.

How will I ever figure out what I'm going to do?

=o)

I like picnics. They're fun.

Every 3 seconds...

...someone needs blood. Donate today.

But I want it...

I want a Wii. I really want a Wii. I've been pining over it since Nintendo released it. I played video games growing up...Miss PacMan, PacMan, Pong, Space Invaders, Super Mario Brothers, NBA Jams, Frogger, Olympic powerpad...the list goes on and on. I've gone through the Atari, original Nintendo, Sega, Nintendo 64, and a couple of others (I don't know them nearly as well as my brother). I'm definitely not an expert or really into how to win the games or the tricks of the trade, but I've always enjoyed playing. Anyway, I still want a Wii.

Just for you...

Happy New Year!